Damn Hipster Ketchup

KETCHUP CREATIVE COMMONSIn Birmingham, we have hipsters now.

I’m not sure if this has happened to you, but it has it’s ups and downs. If I’m honest, I like the beer. The attitude that comes with ordering the beer could use some work, but the beer itself is pretty good.

In fact, I need to single out Dale’s Ale for celebration. My favorite ale, Good People’s Pale Ale was not available at the recently opened downtown establishment I found myself in. I saw the iconic blue and red Dale’s tap in line with the other draft offerings against the wall but did not notice it listed on the alphabetically ordered menu.

For clarification, I asked the bartender if the menu or the tap was in error. An exasperated twit of a one hundred and forty pound bartender with his wispy mustache waxed at the ends and twirled into cough drop selling circles went non-verbal and pointed down the menu. Apparently Dale’s is properly called Oskar Blues Dale’s Pale Ale. He managed to indulge a paying customer, but only just. Thankfully for the wispy twit, the beer was great.

With the beer comes some real oddities. Obviously the mustache wax, but there are gearless androgynous bikes, bizarrely tight pants, and soft and curly – verging on pubic – facial hair. I can’t even begin to understand the year round woolen hat.

These outward proclamations are signs of faith. They are the yarmulkes and the scapuli and the church is a former warehouse that serves house battered corn dogs with jalapeno curried mustard and house made ketchup.

If you like fries, burger, hot dogs… food. If you like food, stay away from hipster ketchup.

I’ve made my own ketchup. It’s a pain in the ass and uses more onions than anyone not named Heinz would allow for. After all the work and needless stewing you get something more or less akin to what you buy at the grocery store.

Not so hipster ketchup. I would back down on this point if there were a variety of “house made” ketchups about town, but there are not. They all come out pink, tainted by an unconscionable mayonnaise content. Why the hell would they do that?

I assume that John Kerry has nothing to do with the day to day workings of the Heinz empire he married into, but if he is a major condiment decision maker we need to take the Iran deal. No matter how pathetically toothless our inspection options may be, no matter how badly he capitulated to extremists, if John Kerry’s obvious inattention to international affairs is what keeps us from a mayo-less condiment, then a nuclear Iran is a small price to pay for decent tomato based happiness.

How is a guy supposed to enjoy an order of truffle oiled steak cut French fries with flat-leaf parsley and kosher salt if his ketchup is tainted by the death sauce?

For the record, I know that your Mt. Dew vintage shirt is a faux throw back.

This entry was posted in Birmingham, Cooking, Food, Humor, Iran, John Kerry, Recipes, tomato and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Damn Hipster Ketchup

  1. Michelle says:

    Glad to see you posting! I took a crack at ketchup recently and you’re right. It wasn’t anything special. And not worth the bag of onions I used. Lol. Will leave that to the folks as Heinz.

    The clusterfuck that is the U.S. political system makes me glad I’m in Canada. Bernie Sanders is the only one of them worth a damn and there’s no chance of him winning the nomination let alone presidency. Hopefully when Trump gets into office he just burns it all to the ground and helps out the USD to CAD exchange rate.

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