I’ve Been Watching T.V. (Television) And I Have Observations!

I have no idea what this says. If it’s racist, I refute it. A lot.

UEFA Euro 2012. Apparently the US was snubbed on this one. I’m watching anyway, on the off chance that someone might be our equal in the “beautiful game.” I came in as a reformed Italian fan whose disgust over flagrant flopping drove me toward Spain for beauty and England for speed and the possibility probability of blood. I am a huge Netherlands fan when they win and a huge Netherlands detractor when they lose to indecisive Danes. This tournament, however has blessed me with a new favorite.

There are many indicators of the spirit of a people. Not all are as obvious as a high suicide rate. Alcoholism is not a determiner; are you drowning the dehumanizing dankness of Soviet era concrete modernism or toasting every minor achievement a la overly tanned and robust denizens of Champagne? Vacation days? Throngs of British subjects gloriously spend work free holidays in Spain. Apparently so do 24.1% of the Spainiards. There are reliable indicators though. I give you the national anthem of the Ukraine, “Shche ne vmerla Ukraina,” or “Ukraine has not yet Perished.” Two thousand-zero-zero, party over it’s out of time.

It’s tempting to chalk the anthem’s title up to fatalism, but I think it’s more a statement of fact. French soldiers had dreams of Russian conquest as did Germans. Russian, or more accurately, Soviet soldiers marched westward against The Hun. Everyone passed over the Ukraine in route to somewhere else.* Somehow, they still are. Party on Ukrainians. Party on.

* Thoroughly researched by interns.**
** For consideration as a mightstainyourshirt.com intern, please send a SASE to 4 A.I. Sikorsky St. (formerly Tankova) 04112 Kyiv, Ukraine, Attention: Puddles.

The Fresh Beat Band is not to be taken lightly. At least its cast isn’t. There are spectacular careers launched from children’s television shows. Justin Timberlake and Brittany Spears were both Mouseketeers and the former reinvented sex while the latter reinvented hitting the back button on your browser when curiosity gets the better of you. That said, the Fresh Beat Band is so saccharine, and so beloved by my five year old, that my wife and I were left wondering what combination of “accidentally” leaked sex tape and drug busts could lift these actors out of their type cast “Hey Kids!” image. The answer is 3.

The Syfy Channel, formerly Sci-Fi and still pronounced “Skiffy” in my house cause we drole like that, continues putting out craptastic fare. The latest, Jersey Shore Shark Attack, may be the highest and best example of wink-wink tropes and pop culture theft, but Micheal Madsen in Pirranaconda is coming up later this month. The wise film critic waits. How do you beat Joey Fatone from N’Sync getting eaten by a shark while singing on a pier? He who answers that question holds the keys to my heart.

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